Dear godchildren,
As your godparent, I am supposed to guide you as you grow older. I am supposed to put my headstart in this world – well, headstart compared to you least – to good use by helping you avoid making the same mistakes I and your parents have made. Because I take that mandate seriously, I have avoided – painfully, believe you me – getting you material presents this year. I made the same sacrifice last year and it was just as awful an experience then as it was this year. Alas, sometimes, doing the right thing can be very difficult. Still, I remind myself I must stay strong.
Material presents you see, only ensure that commercialism gets to plant its despicable claws into your impressionable young minds, making you slaves to glittery shiny objects. That, my dear godchildren, is a fate almost as hideous as a bad haircut.
So instead, I distilled my life experiences so that I can share with you seven – count ‘em SEVEN – great truths that will forever be the foundations of your future success. And that, I daresay, will be the best Christmas present you will ever receive. From me.
First, as bad as things get, remember that nothing – NOTHING – sucks harder than that moment in a heated argument when you realize that you’re wrong.
Second, don’t worry too much about the bad decisions you’ve made. Remember, bad decisions make great stories!
Third, when Word asks you, just as your exiting it, if you want to save the changes that you’ve made to the 20-page report that you swear you didn’t make changes to, remember you are not alone. Everyone shakes a little when that happens.
Fourth, it is always very difficult to distinguish the thin line between boredom and hunger, so choose your next step wisely.
Fifth, don’t be an idiot and erase your ex’s number from your cellphone directory. You need it there so you’ll know not to pick up when your ex calls. Also works for random douchebags and psycho-bitches.
Sixth, there will be days when you look at your watch three times in a row and still can’t figure out what time it is.
And, seventh – this one, I hope you will somehow find a way to be a part of – if there’s anything the world can really use nowadays, it’s a good sarcasm font. I know I need that right now.
Merry Christmas, you little buggers.
Love,
Your godparent.
P.S. If you ring that doorbell one more time, I am going to send you on an expedition to find Santa in the north pole.