Department of Nutrition

So it appears a complaint for corruption was recently filed against, among other personalities, a former presidential candidate whose official designation was given as “Secretary of the Department of Nutrition and Local Government.”

It might have been a proof-reading error (it being 2017 and all, and Christian charity is never a bad thing), but regardless, it was so egregious as to cross over from annoying to downright funny. Well, funny for me anyway.

But it did get me to thinking.

What other, currently non-existing, government offices do we need? Here are a few ideas:

An Office of Facebook Corrections – as it turns out, the complaint I was talking about at the top of this post was based on “documents” posted on a couple of dodgy Facebook accounts.  To my knowledge, this is a first. Which means that these mocked up documents have now crossed over from the realm of mildly entertaining to being downright nuisances. An Office of FB Corrections would do nothing all day but fact check these FB accounts, like Snopes does.

A Bureau of Colorum Collections – If you can’t beat them, co-opt them. I think Machiavelli said that. If not, then someone should have. Rumor has it that the authorities actually know who the colorum operators are and that there are open lines of communication. If true, this seems to be a very pragmatic arrangement as it gives the authorities some degree of flexibility in meeting the public transportation needs of the crowded metropolis. But I expect it would also be a corruption cash-cow. Not having any official existence, colorum operations can easily be pressured in a protection racket – just like sex workers where prostitution isn’t legal. The most obvious solution is to create an actual office that recognizes colorum operators as though they were Uber/Grab type schemes, and then hit them with fees! Everybody wins!

A Flood Control Management Office – floods are a perennial … wait. What? We have this already?

No kidding? Could’a fooled me.

A Traffic Manage–  … come ON! We already have this too?

 

A Drone Air Traffic Control Office – With the increasing affordability of drones, I expect that they will soon become a nuisance, if not an outright menace to society – especially when people figure out what the word “payload” means. DATCO agents will be stationed on rooftops, scanning the surrounding airspace for unauthorized drones, with the blanket authority to shoot the mofos down if they put up a fight or attempt to surrender flee.

A Department of Chill – Thanks to @commondeathave. an Angry Taxpayer, I have come to realize that we do need a separate Department of Chill, charged with calming everyone the duck down by replying to social media rants with lyrics from pop-songs, past and present.

Working closely with the Office of FB Corrections, DOC will flood everyone’s social media walls and timelines with cheerful and uplifting messages. There’ll be dog pictures and cat pictures and pictures of otters and hedgehogs cuddling! And dogs!

*sigh*

Just thinking about these new government offices makes me hopeful about the future of our country. What about you? What new government offices would you like to see? Lemme know in the comments below.

 

 

Leave a Reply